Today’s word, boys and girls, is “boundaries”
by that damn redhead on January 13, 2009
in Rants, Social Media, twitter
Silly me, I thought people understood what those were.
Let’s be clear about something here: Social media, for all its benefits, can have its pitfalls.
It is no secret that the meaning of the word “friend” has been immensely diluted, thanks in part to social media networks such as MySpace and Facebook. I mean, when The New York Times takes notice, you know it’s official.
This isn’t another post on another blog about social media netiquette. Frankly, I don’t care how you use Facebook or Twitter or whatever to connect with people, whether strictly business, strictly personal, a combination of both, or to promote your cousin’s pickle factory. Really. But there’s a difference between a netiquette faux pas and crossing the line into people’s personal boundaries, and recently I’ve seen it happen more than once.
And it needs to be addressed.
I follow most people back on Twitter that follow me. Not everybody does this. That’s a person’s prerogative. But, if I engage in a conversation with you on Twitter, that does not mean you have to respond to everything I tweet, and if I do not respond to one of your replies, that does not mean I am ignoring you. I may not be at my computer. I may not think that it warrants a response. I may just be busy. But if you’re a Twitter friend that I don’t know in person but have conversed with you enough that I’ve “friended” you on Facebook as well, that does not give you permission to find my phone number in my profile and incessantly text message me, especially without giving me any kind of head’s up, or asking me what kind of text messaging plan I have. That is crossing a line. A personal boundary.
I have my phone number on my Facebook profile for a reason, and that is because I generally don’t add people that I don’t know or with whom I don’t have friends in common, but if I have added you because I knew you from Twitter and Twitter only, that means I have bestowed the same amount of respect and trust upon you as I have for the others in my network. There may be a time when somebody in my Detroit-area circle of friends needs to call me regarding a last-minute change of plans and they know I’m nowhere near internet. Or maybe the girl that grew up across the street from me wants to call me for coffee if she’s in my neck of the woods. I have my number there because I expect others to use it responsibly, as they do likewise. But because it is there is no reason to abuse it. I should not have to manually weed through the people in my Facebook network and decide who gets to see what information, whether “limited” profile access or not.
I know a lady who “friended” (and by the way, this anal-retentive English Nazi would like to point out that the proper word for this is befriended) a guy on Twitter only because he was considered local to her. Okay, that’s understandable, I try to collect as many Michiganders as possible. They have nothing in common other than an interest in computers and they live in the same general area. Before long he started harassing her with suggestive @replies and lewd DMs. She didn’t want to block him because they live in a tight-knit area and there was a good chance they’d encounter each other at some point in time, but after a couple weeks she had enough and finally did block him. One would think that this grown, middle-aged man would take a hint, but no — he then had to start leaving harassing comments on her blog, and she is really freaked out. That is not just crossing boundaries, that is not just “being creepy,” that is cyberstalking, and it’s a crime.
I have faith that the people that I befriend (online and in person) are generally good people. I’ve made mistakes in the past, as we all have, but I trust my judgement of character. I’ve made great friends offline that I first met online. One of my best friends I’ve known online for almost a decade and have yet to meet her in person. I not naïve enough to fall for the notion many older folks have that the internet is nothing but a breeding ground for child molesters, stalkers, terrorists, and people out there trying to steal everybody’s personal information. I’m too smart for that. But please, before you go “friending” everybody in sight online, consider your own personal social media boundaries, and give those whom you “friend” the same kind of respect that you would like from them.
I really thought that we as an online society were beyond this kind of thing, but apparently not. What do you consider your own personal social media boundaries? Have you or anybody you know had any similar experiences to those above?
Image by *clairity*
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I dunno darlin’, to me, having one’s phone number on any of the standard social media sites seems a recipe for disaster. At times I’m uncomfy with my real name online; I couldn’t imagine providing my number without being able to control it’s disemmination by only giving it on request.
Danko Ramone’s last blog post..These bongs just seem wrong
This is the first time I’ve heard stories like this, but I’ll bet there are many more out there. To me, social media is about building a community, and one of the universal laws about communities is that you have good neighbors, and then you have neighbors who walk through the front door without knocking in the middle of the day because you didn’t answer your phone and it looked like you might be home and she just needed to “talk.” (True story.)
Every time I think about how much some determined individual could learn about me on-line, I do get a little nervous. But social media is like anything else in life, it comes with risks. I figure all I can do is use my head, know what to do if something bad happens and make the best I can of it.
@Danko I have to use my real name and phone number in press releases as a contact for things like Toastmasters and those are published in newspapers with pretty wide circulations, a gazillion times the size of my Facebook network. Never have I received anything like above, people have only called it for legitimate purposes — like to inquire about Toastmasters. Also, you have a rather common name, I wouldn’t be as weary about it as I probably should be, but I don’t hide my name … I only shorten the last name online to make it easier for people.
@Joni That reminds me of Michael Moore in “Bowling for Columbine” where he walked around a town in Canada opening people’s doors just to see if they were unlocked!
If you feel like you are being stalked you should let others you trust know about it.
I blocked some guy on twitter last week who I did not know. I just thought he looked like a spammer because he had tweeted once and then added 1K people the same day. A few minutes after I blocked him, my phone range. It was this guy in Philly asking what he had ever done wrong to me. Then he emailed me twice trying to set up another phone conversation.
Some people do not get it. Some people are creeps. Understanding the difference is the challenge.
Maureen Francis’s last blog post..Birmingham: Let’s Get Visual
Stacy, great point and online or off I do think we need to be respectful. I would never just start texting or calling someone who did not invite me to do so. I have encountered a few “creepy” guys online but have been able to quickly put a stop to it. I agree with you though for the most part people get it, it’s the outliers that make it bad for everyone!
Karen Swim’s last blog post..Blue Days
Maybe the social media world is just a Darwin-flavored ploy to remove the creepy people from the world.
Boy, this post hits home. I feel for all those line-crossing moments that happen to be just because they’re nice or, gasp, a woman.
Thanks for the post.
Chris Brogan…’s last blog post..Small Town Superheroes
I’m way late catching up with feeds but…YEP.
I’m not famous, even by internet standards, but boy do I get my share of the creepies. Like you, I have my phone number on my site and my facebook page, and that’s for business purposes. I need to be available. It’s even worse in a sense that my number on my site can be seen and found by anyone, not just “friends” on Facebook.
But I’m constantly amazed by how even people on Twitter think that your virtual connection is a permission slip to act as though you’re on an intimate basis. I ignore suggestive DMs and emails every day. Dude. You do NOT know me just because we share some taste in music that I tweeted about. I’m a hell of a lot more complicated than that, so please stop presuming.
Thanks for putting this out there. I’d be willing to bet there are even more that deal with it and never feel comfortable saying so.
Amber Naslund’s last blog post..Marketing & Execution in 2009
Bravo, you’ve state the situation so eloquently in this post. The sad reality is that the offenders don’t think they’re the offensive ones and won’t be here to read this. I’ve never met a creep who thought he or she was creep — au contraire he or she always thought everyone else’s boundaries were off. People were too picky, too finicky, too closed, needed to loosen up.
That’s the problem under it all.
Liz Strauss’s last blog post..Thanks to Week 169 SOBs
Thanks, everybody, for all your feedback. I had no idea that this was so common!
@Maureen: You’re absolutely right — understanding the difference between those who get it and those who don’t is key. Unfortunately, as @LizStrauss pointed out above, the creepy ones are the only ones who have no idea they’re creepy!
@Karen: Yes, it’s the few bad apples that make it bad for all of us. Here I am, feeling extremely naive now, thinking that we were beyond all of that, but I guess the joke was on me. It IS all about respect, and why this medium of the internet distorts that reality for a lot of people is way beyond my comprehension.
@Chris: Given your volume of readership, I’m VERY curious to hear some of your similar stories. You must’ve gotten some of the creme of the crop!
@Amber: I think you may be right that there may be more of us dealing with situations like this than are admitting it. I didn’t give it much thought when I wrote this, it was written more or less as a “I’ve had enough!”-flavored rant.
@Liz: I wish there were some kind of subtle way we could inform these people they’re being creepy online. Unfortunately, as you well know, this extends beyond the context of the internet and into the real world, and these people just do NOT get it. It makes me wonder when and where they learned that behavior like this was OK and interested in exploring the underlying psychology of the entire phenomenon.